Warning: though I strive for family-friendliness on this blog, like the Apostle Paul I’m not afraid to use the occasional strong language to get my point across. Church ladies, you aren’t going to find this post in a Focus on the Family Magazine or Chicken Soup for the Soul book. If crudeness makes you blush, stop reading right now before you write me off forever as being a scandalous barbarian.
An open letter to single men
Warning: if you are a single man with commitment issues, whose desire to get laid surpasses the want for a wife who will love you unconditionally, you are a scumbag. Work out your mommy/daddy issues and come back here after you grow up.
An open letter to single men (in want of a wife).
Sirs, you live in an emasculated world. One that would castrate you without hesitation. One where sparkly vampires get the every girl. You and I both know that’s pretty messed up. But I’m here to tell you that you—yes, you—can be a man and find a wife. And since I’m a wife myself, I’m going to give this to you straight, speaking from my own experience. Feel free to take notes.
As soon as a woman looks at you, she decides whether to add you to her Potential Groom list. If you are breathing and heterosexual and even remotely attractive, you’re already on somebody’s list.
Don’t worry, gentleman. Attractiveness to women is likely broader than your attraction to women. Here, you have it easier than us. You don’t have to have gigantic, muscular body parts. You don’t have to have great hair. While those might help short term, it’s usually the guy with a sense of humor or big heart that gets the girl. Be the man your mom should have raised you to be, treat women with respect, and be fun to be around, and you will attract women.
That’s Step One: Have an attractive personality. Don’t be sulky, don’t feel sorry for yourself, and don’t think that you are God’s gift to women. I’m not a country fan, but Shania Twain wrote some undeniable wisdom into “That Don’t Impress Me Much.”
Here’s part two.
There’s a moment when a woman’s thoughts switch from “I am attracted to this man” to “I want to have his babies.” It’s when you leave the zone of Potential Groom and enter the Final Playoffs.
You might think that the way to the Final Playoffs is to be romantic.
It’s okay. That’s what Hollywood and Hallmark have been telling you for years. But it’s WRONG.
The problem with that line of thinking is that it’s been adopted by so many douchbags, romance has left the modern woman secretly wanting more.
Sure, women want to be romanced. But any man can watch a Lifetime Original Movie and figure out how to romance a woman. If you can’t woo a woman, you are already way behind on your game.
Being romantic is easy. You give us flowers unexpectedly, dress up fancy and take us out to dinner, write us a poem, steal a line some professional writer penned for Matthew McCanaughey.
Most single women in the world have been romanced already and either had their heart broken or got bored. It’s probably not your fault, but there are a lot of jerks out there that have taught women that romance just means you want to get into our pants.
So stop thinking romance is the way to a woman’s heart. Being romantic might give you better odds, but it’s not the way you get to the playoffs.
Unleashing the badass
You could play Call of Duty for hours, you could be a champion tennis player, and you could have all the best RPG cards, but that doesn’t make you a badass. (Smoking cigarettes, drinking, wearing leather jackets and owning a motorcycle don’t, either.)
The fact that you are into sports or violent video games or board games means that you are still producing some level of testosterone. But games aren’t real life. You need to be a warrior in real life.
Here’s how you get to the playoffs: you have courage, and you are willing to fight for what’s right (and eventually, for your woman).
Remember all those old stories you grew up with, where the heroes did just that? The best heroes were the unlikely ones. They could start the story out like Woody Allen and end up like Russell Crowe. Here’s some examples for you from movies and TV. And here’s a link to Badass of the Week.
A special note to Christian guys: Remember 1 Corinthians 16:13. Then get that view of a soft, backlit Jesus carrying baby sheep out of your head and replace it with the carpenter who throws it down in the temple because he gets righteously pissed off. Jesus was far more Dwayne Johnson than Bob the fluffy tree painter.
I get it.
Society has been telling you for years that you need to just shut up and sit down in your cubicle and kiss the arse of somebody better than you. There’s less crime and more productivity in a world of eunuchs. But I also know that that sort of lifestyle kills off part of your soul.
I’m not telling you to unleash the Hulk, because you still need self control. Abusive men should be thrown into prison wearing blue gowns and high heels. But I am telling you that you need to let yourself get angry for the right reasons, and be willing to fight for your lady. Be aggressive—not passive, not abusive.
I’m going to tell you a personal story. It’s a love story, and it’s mine.
In college, I saw a man. He was an attractive man, but I was dating someone else. Then I got to know that man, and we became friends. We had a lot of fun together, and assumed we would never be more than friends.
One day I was telling him a story about a particular jerk who had insulted my honor. My friend got really angry when he heard the story, and said that he would have punched the jerk in the face! This caught me off guard, because at the time, my boyfriend had witnessed the jerk’s insult and didn’t say a single word about it. My boyfriend wouldn’t stick up for me, but this new friend I had would.
You can probably guess what happened next. I dumped the boyfriend who had no backbone. And though I tried my best not to, I fell for my friend, hard, because he showed courage and was willing to fight for me.
Something in me apparently attracted my friend, too, because eventually he asked me to marry him, and here we are after nearly three years of marriage, me pregnant for the third time.
Just because we live in a post-feminist world, it doesn’t mean women don’t want a hero. We want a hero. We just want the hero to realize we aren’t going to die without him there to open the pickle jar for us. Don’t belittle women to damsels in distress to make yourself feel more like a man. The best relationships are between a man and a woman who respect themselves and each other. Edward and Bella have nothing on Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth Bennett.
Men, I want you to remember these three things:
1) You are attractive.
2) You know how to be romantic.
3) You are a badass.
Now go, be the man you were made to be. Be the hero of your own story.
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